Why Do We Judge?

Do you ever wonder WHY we are so critical of one another? Why are we so quick to judge without really taking the time to get to know the person. I've been guilty of this more often than I'd like to admit. I get so mad when it happens to me, but don't even realize how OFTEN I do this myself. If we all just took a little more time to get to know each other, I bet we'd learn some pretty amazing things.
Last weekend I had yet another opportunity to get together with a group of fellow bloggers. It was the same group of girls I got together with last month, plus a few more! We ended up getting to know one another way more than we anticipated. We started playing a little game where one  person asked a question, then we went around the room allowing each one of us the opportunity to answer. Some of the questions included, "What is your greatest accomplishment"? and "What is your biggest regret"? It was so much fun getting to know each one of these ladies, and realized I hadn't been doing enough of this kind of stuff... taking the time to REALLY get to know someone.  I think sometimes we all get so caught up in ourselves and forget to look outward, truly noticing others and expressing genuine interest and concern in someone other than ourselves. We're all so technologically advanced these days, which means our eyes are constantly glued to our phones checking emails, texting, and updating our own "status updates", instead of taking a look around, seeing people for who they really are and not what we THINK they are.

We all desire true friendships, connecting with others, feeling liked, appreciated, admired, important.  It's nice when you have the opportunity to meet people who genuinely and sincerely want to be your friend. I've mentioned before that growing up we moved so much that I barely had the chance to build long lasting friendships with anyone. I remember wanting friends more than anything, and would cry to my dad about it. I'll never forget his wise words, "If you want a friend, you've got to be a friend". This was such great advice for me. It really pushed me to stop whining and DO something about it. It forced me to be more outgoing, and try harder to be the friend I so desperately wanted.
I really love the book How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Here are a few great quotes directly from his book.

  • Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  • Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
  • Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
  • The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.
  • You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
  • If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.


33 comments:

Kellie said...

This is so true! I felt so connected with everyone there. I think there is a spirit of genuine interest and concern for each other at these GNO's. I'm posting the picture with you in it tomorrow!

*Shelli* said...

Great post and SO TRUE! We all need girlfriends... it just makes life sweeter :) Sometimes we are in our own little box and need to see whose outside and around!

purseblogger said...

I completely agree Crystal! I love this post. I feel we connected even more too. I am so glad we have gotten together and can't wait til we can do it again! xoxo

Tylaine said...

Great post Crystal! I love it and I love all you guys...it was such an awesome time and you're so right that we should take more time to get to know people instead of judging a side of them we "think" we know.
(mind if I swipe the picture :))

Charlene said...

This is a great post and something I've been thinking about a lot as well. Often we judge because we see the flaws in ourselves....

Monica said...

If it's true that the camera adds ten pounds, why am I the only one that it seems to apply to?!?! I had a great time that night and it was definitely worth the drive! Hope to do it again soon!

mintifresh said...

Nicely put, Crystal! A lot of time is wasted with assumptions and self made barriers. I'm bummed I missed out and hope to get my big butt to the next one!

Shell said...

What a fun thing, to get to get together!

I try to remember that no matter what appearances are, or what I think, I never really know what someone is going through and not to judge based on what limited information I have about someone.

Kristina P. said...

I could not agree more. Peopple are so amazed that I remember so many people's names through blogging, considering how many blogs I read, but it's important to me.

Wish I could have been there! Don't forget about me next time!

Just Cherish Today said...

great little post my dear! - :) I do love that book too, I actually read it back in college and I probbaly should read it again. It's always a book you should read twice! :)

have a great week!

www.justcherishtoday.com

Slamdunk said...

Excellent advice. Letting others talk and simply being a good listener is always wise.

Daisygirl said...

How fun! I am sorry I missed it!!! We are all guilty of reading a book by its cover until we learn it is really what is in the inside that truly counts.

Em and Brad said...

It's so ironic to me that you posted this on your blog today. This has really, really been on my mind this whole weekend. There is nothing worse than being judged by the way you look....and honestly...sometimes I have to keep myself in check from doing the same to others. I don't consider myself to be a judgmental person, but there have been experiences in my life that I have had a "bad first impression" of someone, and have been dramatically corrected once I got to know them.
Today I was getting my visiting teaching gift/message ready, and that's what it was on. It's crazy how that happens, huh? It talks about President Monson's conference talk (probably my favorite of the whole gen. conf.) on Charity, and judging others. There were so many things that he said that really struck a nerve with me...and even brought me to tears because I feel that people need to hear how judgmental they can be. I have re-read the talk three times today, just because I love it so much. Anyway--sorry about the novel on your blog! I just really loved this post! Oh, and if you want to check out his talk, here's the link. Hugs!

http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-39,00.html

Carrie said...

I once heard "When you judge others you don't define them, you define yourself" and it stuck with me as one for the record books.

Fun night. You can't even tell I was (opposite of high) and had a kleenex shoved up my nose!

Heather said...

It's hard not to judge...like you said, we all do it at some point. It's sad that it's such human nature to do it. My husband is a big Dale fan, he's been to several workshops and loves his methods. Thanks for sharing! Wish I was closer so I could join you gals:-)

Danielle said...

This is so true. I sometimes catch myself judging someone and then remind myself that I am so far from perfect. Everyone is just trying to get bu the only way they have been equiped to do so!!!
Good post!

Nicole said...

I love this post! I'm linking it up to my facebook because I do think we all do this SO often! I'm pretty sure we're all guilty of this and since the explosion of technology, I've found that my relationships have changed and sometimes not always for the best. Thanks for taking a candid approach to this topic, it's refreshing! Also, thanks for stopping by my blog, even if it had been a while after my initial visit to your page, better late than never! I'm in the process of moving my blog over to wordpress (new url will be momentsthatdefinelife.com, I would love to have you guest post at some point after my relaunch! You're perspective on life is much like mine. I would be honored. :-) Email me! hempecknl@yahoo.com

Jenny Livingston said...

This is a theme that has been creeping up in different areas of my life lately. I'm generally pretty accepting and non-judgemental, but I tend to put blinders on when I start feeling down and I've recently found myself needing to work on that a lot more. Thanks for the reminder. =)

MsBabyPlan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MsBabyPlan said...

Crystal you are such a great blogger. I love this post very much, it's thoughtful.

"We're all so technologically advanced these days, which means our eyes are constantly glued to our phones checking emails, texting, and updating our own "status updates", instead of taking a look around, seeing people for who they really are and not what we THINK they are."

Today I heard a father saying to his daughter you are married to your phone.

We tend to judge a book by it cover and as you say many time the ideas we have of that person are completely wrong.

I am happy you get to know each other in real life, I am hoping I will be able to meet most of the ladies I am reading about one day in person.

Karen At Home said...

What a great post Crystal, it really spoke to me! Best post I have read in a long time.

I am so glad you had such a great time with your friends. It looks like a great group of girls!!!

Karen

*LLUVIA* said...

My husband got that book!! Those r some great quotes!! Now Im going to read that book!

blueviolet said...

I think sometimes people take a first impression and begin to judge right from that moment. It's really sad how human nature makes us so quick to judge, isn't it?

I think being a blogger has made me into a person who is far less apt to judge people. I'm not a cliquey type person at all either, in life or in blogs.

I loved your post!

He & Me + 3 said...

I have read that book too. It is a good one. So true. How fun for you. I have to say I am a bit jealous. Love meeting and hanging with blog friends. So fun.

Tooje said...

What a great list of quotes from that book. I might need to pick it up and take a read. :) I think what's interesting about all of these thoughts, yours and the author's, is that it can be said for a marriage relationship as well. Not just being a friend for your spouse, but to have the husband you want, you need to be the wife you can and should. Or for child/parent relationships.

There is nothing better or sweeter to remind you about being the friend who others want than to have it pointed out that you're a good listener. Or that you see other points of view, and with interest and not judgment.

I have a co-worker turned friend whose complimented me in this way and each day her words help keep me where I need to be, as a friend. It helps remind me to be humble, which is one value that I think can make a friend great.

Chaplain Donna said...

Thank you for this post! I hope many people read it and remember to be kind. The level of hatred is at times overwhelming. Kindness is refreshing and healing. What a difference a smile can make!

FourJedis said...

Great post! I've really made a conscious effort over the past 10 years to not judge, and even though it's hard, it's been going well. I love that you were able to get together again with all the lovely ladies!

Debbie said...

I know I'm not supposed to judge and it is something I constantly work to bring under control. It is always a battle though. I guess it is just human nature to think less of others in an attempt to feel better about ourselves. I'll keep trying!

Kristy said...

That would have been fun to do with a group of friends. You are lucky!

Candace @ Candace Creations said...

This is so true! It's something I've been learning since moving to a new state with no connections. I would mope to myself a lot when we moved here that people weren't trying to get to know me...but I've realized how silly that is...not to take it personally if everyone I meet isn't so welcoming and interested in me and to instead BE the way to others that I wished they were to me and I've been a lot happier.
People have a hard time getting out of their comfort zone and are not always looking for new friends...your father was wise when he said you have to be a friend.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

I need to post this as a reminder for myself, and others I know....

Verena said...

Wonderful post!!! True friendships are just so important and enrich our lifes.

A Lil Story said...

Love this- so so true! I moved around a lot as a kid too- and it wasn't until my junior year of high school that I really learned what a true friend was... and I still have those friends thankfully! I have been trying to be more open to new people too, it is definitely not something that comes naturally to me. Good post to think about!! =)

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